Apparently, according to Google, one of the top ways people stumble onto my site is by typing “assholes online.”
Now, I don’t know what’s worse — that people are out there actively searching for assholes, or that Google thinks my little corner of the internet is the promised land of pricks. Either way, here we are.
Let’s clear something up straight away. I’m not an asshole. I’m far worse. I’m a professional cynic with a keyboard and a publishing imprint. I don’t do polite hand-holding, kumbaya writing circles, or inspirational nonsense. I write thrillers, manifestos, and essays with enough bite to make your therapist nod knowingly while scribbling “sociopath?” in their notes.
So, if you did indeed arrive here by searching “assholes online,” congratulations — you’ve found one. Just not the type you were expecting. If you were looking for actual assholes, go to Pornhub (here’s the link – you’re welcome). This isn’t that kind of site — though frankly, the writing here probably has more depth than most of the dialogue over there.
The real assholes online are easy to find: the trolls who spend twelve hours a day yelling in comment sections, the “experts” selling courses on how to make six figures in your underwear, and the influencers who can’t string three coherent words together without a filter, a sponsorship, and a small mountain of cocaine.
Compared to them, I’m practically a saint!
What you’ll actually get here is fiction that bleeds, rants that bite, and guides that make you want to burn down the status quo. If that makes me an asshole in your eyes, fine. I’ll own it. I’ll slap it on a T-shirt, and add it to the merch.
But I like to think of myself less as an “asshole online” and more as a public service online. Someone has to cut through the bullshit. Someone has to say the things you’re thinking but don’t dare put on Facebook because Aunt Susan will clutch her pearls and uninvite you from Christmas dinner.
So yeah, thanks Google. I’ll take the traffic — however it comes. Stick around. Read the books. Sign up for the newsletter. Because if you’re looking for “assholes online,” you might as well hang out with one who can actually write.
And now that I think about it, this article is going to now make me rank for the term. Ah well, I’ve been ranked on Google for worse.
Did you enjoy this article? Then help me write the next one by buying me a cup of tea!